contempt

I do not know John Gottman, "the mathematician of love", and I cannot attest to the accuracy of his findings but I can say that I intuitively agree with what I've read. His studies are related to marriage but I think carry over into relationships in general. He claims to be able to predict the probability of a marriage lasting by observing a couple for only a few minutes. He focuses on what he calls the Four Horsemen: defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, and contempt. Even within the Four Horsemen, in fact, there is one emotion that he considers the most important of all: contempt. If Gottman observes one or both partners in a marriage showing contempt toward the other, he considers it the single most important sign that the marriage is in trouble.

"You would think that criticism would be the worst," Gottman says, "because criticism is a global condemnation of a person's character. Yet contempt is qualitatively different from criticism. With criticism I might say to my wife, 'You never listen, you are really selfish and insensitive.' Well, she's going to respond defensively to that. That's not very good for our problem solving and interaction. But if I speak from a superior plane, that's far more damaging, and contempt is any statement made from a higher level. A lot of the time it's an insult: 'You are a bitch. You're scum.' It's trying to put that person on a lower plane than you. It's hierarchical. Contempt is closely related to disgust, and what disgust and contempt are about is completely rejecting and excluding someone from the community."

We are always evaluating others and then filtering data based on that. Our subconscious does this in an attempt to be more efficient. The problem is that we see through lenses that are often always tinted. And worse, some of that tinting comes from the input of others - it's not even first hand. We must be very careful to avoid gossip. It seems good but it effects our innermost being. We must always pray to see others as God sees them. We need to be able to spiritually discern yet not hold others in contempt - especially based on information that we do not know as truth.

Technorati Tags: John Gottman, contempt