making small talk

Carly Young, wrote an excellent piece on how to hone your small talk skills. As a Christ-follower, I have a passion to engage others in conversation in hopes that I might be able to share some of the Gospel with them. When I discuss this desire with other believers I find that many of them have the same yearning but are inept (or fear that they are inept) at making conversation. Therefore I thought some of Young's points might be useful.

She starts by warning us that starting conversation can be risky because it gives the other person the power to reject or accept you. The bulk of this post is copied from her article.

#1 Ask Open-Ended Questions

By asking open-ended questions, you offer your conversation partner the opportunity to disclose as much or as little as she wants.

Let’s say you’re meeting your cousin’s new boyfriend or your boss’s daughter. The conversation might go something like this:

You: I hear you work at an IT consulting firm.
Them: Yup.

Unless you happen to be an IT expert, there’s not a whole heck of a lot to say next. Save the conversation with open-ended questions:

What got you interested in IT?
What do you like best about your job?

#2 Spark People’s Imagination

When you’re socializing with a group of people over an extended period of time, like at a wedding banquet or a family gathering, ask a provocative question. It keeps the conversation rolling, reveals more about your companions and diffuses awkward silences.

For example, "What do you think is the perfect age and why?" Or: "If you could meet any celebrity or historical figure, who would you choose and why?"

You get extra credit if you link your questions to a news tidbit. For example, “Did you read that today’s lottery winner walked away with 5 million dollars? What would you do with that much money?”

Now for a bonus tip: Start with a statement and then follow-up with an open-ended question. An example would be "What a lovely home. How do you manage to run a house with four kids?" Or: "This is a great restaurant. Is it your favorite?"

#3 Give Them Something to Work With

Once you’re in a conversation, give the other person ammo so they can bring up interesting topics, too. That is, offer free information. Say something that tells the person about you, even if they didn’t specifically ask. For example, let’s say you’re flying from Newark to Seattle and your seatmate on the plane shows an interest in you:

Her: Are you headed home?
You: Yes. I spent the weekend celebrating my girlfriend’s birthday in Manhattan, but I’m looking forward to getting back to Seattle because I miss my dog.

With this sentence, you’ve answered the question and offered free information: You live in Seattle, have a dog and have spent time in Manhattan. Your seatmate could respond with:

I’ve been thinking about getting a dog. Where did you get yours?
What kind of dog do you have?
What was your favorite part of Manhattan?
Were you born and raised in Seattle?

#4 Know Your Stuff

Staying on top of trends is essential to being a good small talker. This doesn’t mean you have to rattle off baseball statistics, know every stock market trend or memorize the name of every up-and-coming actor. Stay on top of the things that interest you.

This requires preparation. After all, you wouldn’t wing a meet-and-greet with the head honcho, and neither should you attempt to come up with great conversation starters on the fly. Prepare for a conversation like you’d prepare for an interview.

If you’re a blockbuster buff, keep track of how the latest movies are doing at the box office. If you’re a bookworm, know the top titles on The New York Times' best-seller list. Arming yourself with information you enjoy will make you seem knowledgeable and showcase your interests. It’s also great for awkward silences:

Has anyone seen the movie _____?
I just finished reading ______. Has anyone else read it?

#5 Look for the Details

Everything from behavior to an unusual accent can serve as a conversation starter. Team apparel, logos and slogan clothing beg for comments:

I see that you ran the Race for the Cure; what other races have you run?
I noticed that you’re wearing a shirt from the London Hard Rock Café. Have you been there?

Even if you’re a blue jeans and white T-shirt kind of gal, throw on something interesting: a bold scarf from your favorite vacation, a baseball cap with your team’s logo, an eye-catching shade of nail polish. This will make it easier for people to approach you.

Summary

The most important point of all - and this again is the "Christian" twist - get out there. Get out of you house and get into contact with people that God cares about. Serve them and engage them in conversation. Let them know that they matter and that the King of the Universe has a plan which includes them.

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