Sunday, May 07, 2006

christian light bulb jokes

Sorry - these are ancient but someone recently laughed at one so perhaps it's time to recycle. Here is what I believe is the definitive list of Christian versions of the how many does it take to change a light bulb joke.

Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.

Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.

Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.

Q: How many Anglo-Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They always use candles instead.

Q: How many evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Evangelicals do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and hope the light bulb will decide to change itself.

Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But they are still in darkness.

Q: How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?????

Q: How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Q: How many tele-evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.

Q: How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.

Q: How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The whole congregation needs to vote on it!

Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls!

Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty one, one to change it, and twenty to share the experience!

Q: How many conservative Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it And two to storm out in protest if the person changing it is a woman!

Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10. Five to determine how many can be changed by the year 2010, four to raise the necessary funds, one to go find a national to do the job!

Q: How many Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: This statement was issued. "We chose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey, you have found that a light bulb works for you, that's fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."

Q: How many neo-orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?
A: No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.

Q: How many independent fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.

Q: How many worship leaders who use guitars does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.

Q: How many members of an established Bible teaching church that is over 20 years old does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.

Q: How many youth Pastors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Youth pastors aren't around long enough for a light bulb to burn out.

Q: How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 109. Seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Sub-committee who report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Committee Executive of 5, who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27 member Church Board, who appoint another 12 member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another 8 member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of the light bulb, and the congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7 member committee to find the best price on new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware store has the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connections to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.

While this list is the best I've found, it is clearly lacking. There are no Emergent or Post-Modern versions. Please help me out if you have others to add. I want to ensure that I have the ultimate list.

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7 comments:

clarks7 said...

The Southern Baptist one sounds just like our youth leadership! No doubt we need more leaders.

Gaddabout said...

I'm pretty sure worship leaders who plays acoustic guitars require a capo and a stool.

Also, I'm betting the Emergents refuse to use lightbulbs, preferring to search in the darkness for a more inclusive alternative to light.

rick said...

Matthew - good to hear from you. I'm missing your blog.

The worship leader one is good but the emergent is excellent. Thanks for the contribution.

marlster said...

Great jokes. Postmoderns would probably question how you can be sure it is a light bulb and what the word actually means.

Anonymous said...

How many Orthodox Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

"Change? What is 'change?'"

Bryan said...

How many emergents does it take to change the light bulb?

Who is really behind the light bulb changing agenda anyway? Is this just an example of traditional, top-down control? We really need to break out of old paradigms - why do we have to get out a ladder every time one of the bulbs stops emmitting light? Why not embrace the new situation and try to find the inherent beauty of God in it instead of tossing it aside for our own dogmatic goals and perspective?

Anonymous said...

How many Pentecostals does it take to change a lightbulb? One to hold it and 20 to pray the room around.

reftagger