road crossing

We've seen the Top Ten Reasons The Reformed Theologian Did Not Cross The Road and Top Ten Reasons The Dispensationalist Did Not Cross the Road; today we have the theological answers to the original why the chicken crossed the road.

• Greg Boyd: It’s a possibility that the chicken crossed the road.
• TD Jakes: A manifestation of the Chicken crossed the road for his blessings.
• Rick Warren: The chicken was purpose driven.
• Mark Driscoll: The chicken crossed because of the rooster’s leadership.
• Joel Osteen: The chicken crossed the road to maximize his personal fulfillment so that he could be all that God created him to be.
• Creflo Dollar: God told the chicken that if he clucked, “That land across the road is mine!,” he could claim it. He crossed the road to take possession.
• Pelagius: Because the chicken was able to.
• John Piper: God decreed the event to maximize his glory.
• Billy Graham: The chicken was surrendering all.
• Pluralist: The chicken took one of many equally valid roads.
• Chris Rosebrough: It was a pirate chicken!
• Steven Furtick: You can’t tell chicken to stand still. They are spontaneous!
• Universalist: All chickens cross the road.
• Annihilationist: The chicken was hit by a car and ceased to exist.
• Fred Phelps: God hates chickens!
• Martin Luther: The chicken was leaving Rome.
• Tim LaHaye: The chicken didn’t want to be left behind.
• Harold Camping: Don’t count your chickens until they’ve hatched.
• James White: I reject chicken centered eisegesis.
• John Wesley: The chicken’s heart was strangely warmed.
• Thomas: I won’t believe the chicken crossed unless I see it with my own eyes.
• Philip: The chicken teleported to the other side.
• Rob Bell: The chicken. Crossed the road. To get. Cool glasses.
• Rob Bell: Because Love Wins!
• Roger Olson: The chicken recognizes no clear evangelical boundaries.
• Peter: What chicken? What road? Never knew a chicken!! (rooster crows)
• Ezekiel: God revived those chicken bones and then they crossed the road.
• Paul: The chicken went to sleep and fell out the window only to be able to cross the road.
• Mark Driscoll: A “bleeping” chicken crossed the road to go get a beer.
• Jim Wallis: The poor chicken was fleeing fundamentalists.
• Gary Demar: The chicken was fleeing the destruction of Jerusalem in AD 70. That’s it.
• Jim Wallis: The chicken is an organizer for Occupy Barnyard.
• Emergent: For this chicken, its not the destination that’s important. Its the journey itself.
• Christian Pacifist: This is clearly an act of barnyard aggression that is condemned in the Sermon on the Mount.
• N.T. Wright: This act of the chicken, which would be unthinkable in British barnyards, reeks of that American individualism that is destructive to community.
• Al Mohler: When a chicken begins to think theologically, he has no other alternative but to come over to the Calvinist side.
• Bill Gaither: The chicken obviously saw something beautiful, something good, on the other side of the road.
• Freud: This whole exercise is obviously driven by chicken envy